Board Considers Eliminating Faculty

DYSTOPIA–At its quarterly meeting on Tuesday evening, the Dystopia College board voted to hire an independent consultant to conduct a study of the feasibility of eliminating faculty.

The proposal to hire the consultant to perform the $800,000 study was prompted by budgetary concerns, and by the Complete Your Dystopian Degree (DYDD) campaign aimed at moving students through the college as quickly as possible, according to board member A. S. Holly, who introduced it.

“The board has long viewed faculty members as a necessary evil, but times have changed and we need to learn to think inside different boxes,” Holly said. “In particular, recent reductions in funding have made the maintenance of a faculty prohibitively expensive, and professors, with their insistence on academic integrity and standards for student performance and that sort of anti-corporate nonsense, are seriously impeding students’ efforts to complete a degree as quickly as possible and get the hell out of the way.”

Some critics have suggested that the quality of students education rather than the velocity at which they pursue it should be the more important issue, but board members scoffed at the claim, which they described as “unfounded liberal idealism that has no place in today’s corporate environment.”

The board previously voted to abolish tenure for similar reasons but board members said Tuesday that further thought had convinced them that they probably had not gone far enough with the vote.

When asked who would teach the college’s classes if the board decided to eliminate faculty, Holly seemed genuinely puzzled.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

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