DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College President Overly Payeed-Admyn announced today the appointment of a new director of assessment assessment at Dystopia. Dr. Numbah Karuncha, who comes to Dystopia from the University of St. Jude Thaddeus of the Lost Causes, officially accepted the position at the beginning of the fiscal year and has been working remotely, but with frequent visits to the Dystopian campus. He will be in his new office full time by the beginning of the fall semester.
Asked about the reasons for the creation of the new position, President Payeed said that Dystopia has been enthusiastically designing and implementing assessment instruments for a number of years now, ever since its accrediting organization, Central Academic Services, announced that the college had no other choice. “Since then, we have made remarkable progress,” he said, “although there have been some struggles along the way, perhaps the most difficult being convincing the faculty that they are to blame for this ridiculous fad.”
Despite the “remarkable progress” to which Payeed referred, he said the Dystopian administration had begun to wonder if that progress was toward a useful and discernible end. “That’s where Numbah comes in,” Payeed said. “His job is to assess our assessment to make sure that we are actually assessing. Perhaps he can even assess what and why we are assessing, but that is so difficult that even Numbah might not be able to manage it.”
And who will assess the new director of assessment assessment? “I’ll have to get back to you on that one,” Payeed said. “We are still assessing that.” He added, however, that whoever takes on the role will carry it out using the most currently fashionable methods of statistical analysis. “You wouldn’t believe it–the methods are so sophisticated now that we can assess people’s performance totally objectively, totally independent of any humanity that they might possess.”
T. Allen Culpepper