DYSTOPIA–The Dystopia College Board of Regents has approved construction of a million-dollar circular driveway in front of the college’s administration building, Hopeless Hall.
Board Chairman Tyson “Just Call Me Ty” Koons said the circle drive is needed because “lots of other colleges have circle drives” and thus board members “feel kinda left out of the conversation” when they play golf with their friends on the other boards. Besides that, he said, when the board meets on campus now, in the fall and winter, their Starbucks coffees sometimes get cold before the meeting starts if they have to find an actual parking space.” Furthermore, he said, with the increasing danger of campus violence, having the circle drive in place would allow for administrators to “abandon ship” more quickly if necessary.
Asked how the college will pay for the construction, given its current budget shortfall, Koons said the money would be diverted from the fund intended for the renovation of Hale Hall, the freshman residence hall, whose residents affectionately refer to it as “the Inferno.”
According to Koons, concerns about the condition of the building have been exaggerated. “The rats are more or less under control now,” he said with fewer students bitten every week, the roof leaks “really aren’t that bad, nothing a few plastic buckets can’t handle,” and, although there are some loose bricks and ceiling tiles, they “haven’t knocked anybody in the head yet.”
T. Allen Culpepper