DYSTOPIA–This year’s freshman class at Dystopia College will be the first group of students to participate in a new program “designed to streamline the college experience for incoming students,” according to Dystopia Provost Eddina Field.
In the past, Field said, the enrollment and advising processes at Dystopia have felt “random and disconnected,” and that “has been a problem, because many students have accidentally taken courses that they enjoyed.”
The new program, RUTS (Routing Undergraduates Through School), will provide incoming students with a much more rigid model. This new model will “eliminate the kind of open-ended advice that forces students to make actual decisions” as well as steer students clear of any ill-advised desires to “explore their options,” the provost said.
RUTS is “beautiful in its simplicity,” according to Field. “The way it works is that students–whether they come to campus to meet with an advisor or choose their own schedules online–will be presented with an array of attractive, brightly colored boxes and asked to choose the prettiest one, based solely on color. Once that irrevocable choice has been made, students will be labeled reds, yellows, or whatever, and we’ll tag their ears so they don’t forget their color. They will then be permitted to enroll only in courses identified with the corresponding color. It’s all no fuss, no muss.”
To prevent confusion, students will not be allowed to see the contents of any of the boxes until they have made their selection. Once they have chosen, they will see the contents of their box, but they will remain locked out of the other boxes so that they are never tempted to stray from the straight and narrow path to graduation.
“I really think students are going to love it,” Field said, “because once they make that initial choice, they won’t have to think about anything again until they graduate.”
T. Allen Culpepper