No More Basics at Dystopia?

DYSTOPIA–Beginning in fall 2017, Dystopia College might no longer offer introductory courses.

“We’re considering following the lead of our freshmen, a bunch of whiny, entitled eighteen-year-olds who consider themselves experts on everything, and ‘getting our basics out of the way,'” Provost Eddina Field explained. She added that most students find the introductory courses in the academic core boring and irrelevant, and most professors, who consider teaching them demeaning, just slog through them on auto-pilot.

If the change is implemented, incoming students would be immersed immediately in more advanced courses.  For example, a student who in the past would have been enrolled in College Algebra will now start out in Calculus II.

But what will happen to students who struggle to keep up with advanced material they don’t understand? “We’re going to remediate the hell out of the little bastards,” Field said, adding that the cost to students of the remediation sessions, which would be known collectively as the Program for Advancement Enablement (PAE), would be calculated at twice the rate of regular tuition.

Asked if students would be required to test out of PAE to demonstrate that they are ready for real classes, she responded, “Oh, no, they wouldn’t ever get out. We couldn’t really afford to have them move on.”

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper


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