Police Blotter: Inalienable Rights?

DYSTOPIA–Three students apparently under the influence of powerful hallucinogens staggered into Hopeless Hall, Dystopia College’s main administration building, last week, demanding a meeting with President Overly Payeed-Admyn, campus police have acknowledged after repeated question.

Campus police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless said that the three students, claiming to be from other planets gained access to the president’s office and demanded that the college address the labeling and treatment of students such as themselves.  The students objected to terms such as “alien” and “extraterrestrial,” terms which they said they consider derogatory and exclusionary. They urged that the college adopt the more neutral term “interplanetary students,” along with the addition of an appropriate clause in the the college’s anti-discrimination policy.

President Payeed reportedly agreed to take the matter under advisement, though he warned the students that he does not think Dystopia is ready for all-species restrooms quite yet and that it would be better to take one step at a time.

Payeed is well known–and occasionally derided–for the open-door police that he takes great pride in, arguing that everyone deserves to be heard. Ignored later, perhaps, but heard first. Critics claim that taking time out for such trivial matters interfere with his job of running the university.  But “the truth is,” Payeed has said in the past, “a college president’s only real job these days is calling rich people, begging them for money, and promising to buy them drinks and name buildings after them.  Well, that and trying to bribe our idiot legislators into supporting education.”

“As important as that is–and make no mistake, it IS important,” Payeed continued, “delaying the next call for five minutes is unlikely to have any significant effect.”

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper




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