DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College President Overly Payeed-Admyn confirmed today reports that almost-tenured Asst. Prof. of Psychology Sigourney Froyt has been fired and re-hired eleven times during the last month.
Prof. Froyt’s irregular employment at the college stems from an April incident in one of Froyt’s introductory psychology classes. A group of students claiming to be Guardians of the New Right got into a dispute with some other students claiming to be members of African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace. Froyt, whose complexion resembles a vanilla milkshake, said at the time that she was merely trying to calm the students and arbitrate the dispute, but members of the class afterward filed a complaint accusing her both of using the word “white” in a derogatory manner and of not taking witchcraft seriously.
Froyt herself says that it was a stressful incident and she does not remember her exact words, but students posting on social media accused her of saying, “OK, enough, you angry white people and you bitchy witches both need to shut up for a minute and listen.” Froyt has neither confirmed nor denied the accuracy of their claim.
Payed said he initially tried to resolve the problem by asking Prof. Froyt to take a short leave until things settled down, but “external pressures” forced him to fire her, repeatedly, whereas the shortage of faculty willing to work at Dystopia forced him to re-hire her, also repeatedly.
The college’s legal counsel, Fgn Gocha Na of Swindel Riggings Mayo Culpa Sha Na Na, confirmed that parties connected with both groups of students have threatened to sue the college if Froyt is allowed to keep her job, whereas the Union of Entitled Professors and the League of Leftist Agitators have threatened to sue if she is not. Meanwhile, a presidential candidate has threatened to sue everyone involved.
Dystopia does not have a tenure system, but rather an almost-tenure system, in which faculty members who have been around long enough are usually just ignored. “An office, basically,” Dystopia Human Resources Director Stan G. Beech said when pressed for the exact distinction between “almost-tenured” and “contingent.” Also, almost-tenured faculty are allowed to include a “potentially tenurable” line on their curriculum vitae. “There’s not a chance in hell of them getting tenure here at Dystopia, of course, but it seems to make them feel better if they imagine the possibility of going somewhere else at some point.”
Prof. Froyt’s attorney, Siri S. Lee, confirmed that Froyt does in fact have an office, which she has personalized by taping her name tag from the last academic conference she attended–five years ago, at her own expense–over the “Janitorial Closet” sign, but that Froyt does not currently have a key to the office, a situation due, according to Beech, to the fact that “the HR paperwork for a new hire just takes some time.”
Na said she cannot discuss the details of the college’s legal strategy, primarily because she hasn’t thought of one yet, but her hope is that if the college continues to fire and re-hire Froyt long enough, all the parties involved will eventually get worn down by the bureaucracy involved and throw in the towel.
One of the students who claimed to be associated with GNR acknowledged that he was present during the incident but said the organization’s legal representatives had advised the students involved to “shut the fuck up and wait.”
Dystopia sophomore Samantha Sabrina Eastwick, a member of the class and of the ALSWP, was less reticent, however. “That bitch called us witches bitches,” Eastwick said, “and now she needs to feel the burn.”
T. Allen Culpepper