DYSTOPIA–“Systematic public shaming” will be used to coerce recalcitrant Dystopia College students to “play the reindeer games” and take part in campus life, “whether they like it or not,” Student Activities Director John “Happy Jack” Plumber announced today.
“It is just better” if they do, he said, adding that he knows this is true because “studies have shown it.” He said he was hesitant to try to define “it” more precisely and could not immediately recall which studies he had in mind or who did them.
In any case, he said, it is his job to make sure that students have fun, and he’s not going to rest until they do, even if it’s against their will.
Although there are always some students who are willing to participate in anything that comes along, as long as it doesn’t involve anything remotely scholarly, there are others who consistently decline to participate in sack races or karaoke and a few who won’t eat the free hot dogs.
“Vegetarian, my ass!” Plumber said. “They just want to be anti-social, and I’m not having it on my shift!”
It’s a hard sell to some students, though.
Freshman Solo Wallflower, flushed out from behind a massive organic chemistry textbook, said he simply doesn’t like other people much and would prefer to be left alone. He added that he is philosophically opposed to the concept of fun. “And I really am a vegan,” he said, pointing to his lunch of hand-carved carrot sticks and organic hummus.
T. Allen Culpepper