DYSTOPIA–When Dystopia College campus police responded to a 911 call originating from a cell phone in Nihil Hall, the college’s social-sciences building, they discovered almost-tenured Asst. Prof. of Psychology Sigourney Froyt sitting in the corridor outside her locked office, sobbing hysterically, according to campus police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.
Lawless said that Prof. Froyt, whose condition at the time he described as “dangerously distraught,” haltingly, and with some difficulty, explained to the responding officers that she had placed the call herself because she needed to borrow a handgun, and the campus police were the only people she could immediately think of who were likely to have one handy.
Froyt, who has been fired and re-hired by the college numerous times in recent months, said that the stress of her uncertain status had become unbearable and that she had thus come to campus with suicidal intentions, only to realize with overwhelming frustration upon her arrival that she had neglected to bring a suitable weapon.
Officers took Froyt into temporary protective custody and then referred her to the college’s employee assistance program. Lawless said that the police did not monitor the professor’s whereabouts after their intervention, but students and colleagues have reported seeing her at a local bar, the Dead Albatross, where they say she was drinking absinthe and apparently attempting to work her way through a complex phone menu in a vain attempt to reach a mental-health professional.
T. Allen Culpepper