DYSTOPIA–The foreign-language programs at Dystopia College are struggling, according to Asst. Prof. of Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo, who said enrollment in all the languages continues to decline.
“We’re struggling badly enough to fill our classes in Spanish,” Cristo said, but the other language programs are even in worse shape. “French and German? Totally screwed. They are in mierda profunda,” he said. “Canceling classes left and right, down to three majors each.”
He attributes the problem to ignorance, cultural illiteracy, small-mindedness, bad advising, declining interest in everything that doesn’t lead immediately to a pointless, unfulfilling job with a high salary, and the college’s related obsession with “workforce development” rather than “actual education.” “Don’t even get me started on that,” Cristo said. “I’ll just start ranting and have another breakdown and have to increase the meds again.”
“Don’t those idiots–I’m referring to the college administration as well as the uncultured students and their misguided parents–understand how much value a second or third language can have in the global marketplace? Todos ojetes! Don’t they realize that Americans are the only people on earth who can’t speak any other languages? Me ponen de los nervios! Me encabronan mucho! Hell, most Americans can’t even speak English competently! Retardados! I don’t even know why I even left Latin America and came to this godforsaken intellectual wasteland.”
“I’d go home right now if there was a job for me there,” he added, popping a couple of Xanax and washing them down with a shot of rum from his pocket flask, “but there’s not, so I’m going to my damn anger-management session instead. Me cago en todo!
T. Allen Culpepper