DYSTOPIA–Several minor injuries and one more serious one occurred when a pack of desperate administrative assistants mobbed relief workers at Dystopia College Thursday morning.
The two volunteers from the non-profit organization REFLCT (Rescue Education From Legislative Cuts and Tyrannies) arrived at the college around 9 a.m. with a van load of office supplies to be distributed free of charge to Dystopia staff members, according to a REFLCT spokesman and witnesses at the scene.
The administrative assistants, who had got wind of the van’s unannounced arrival through the elaborate clandestine communications network accessible only to them, were waiting in ambush behind the sad-looking brown shrubbery adjacent to Hopeless Hall, the college’s main administrative building in an attempt to reach the van first.
REFLCT sent the supply van loaded with staples, paperclips, rubber bands, tape, and sticky-notes after the latest round of budget cuts prompted Dystopia College Chief Financial Officer Tightwad Miser to place a moratorium on supply purchases.
One of the volunteers, Goody Summerton, who received minor scrapes and bruises in the incident, said afterward that, “it was all going OK until they saw the multicolored sticky-notes, but once they saw those, all hell broke lose.” Anonymous witness who saw what happened from the safety on a second-storey window confirmed Summerton’s account of the incident.
The other volunteer, Noble Effertz, sustained similar minor injuries, as did three of the administrative assistants; all were treated at the scene by Dystopia EMS paramedics.
One administrative assistant, Taryn Ofthishit, sustained more serious injuries. After tripping on a protruding chunk of concrete from one of the college’s many crumbling sidewalks, Ofthishit fell and was subsequently trampled by the mob, suffering a broken arm and a head wound apparently inflicted by a sharp shoe heel. She was transported to the Dystopia General Hospital emergency room, where she was treated and released.
When asked if it was worth being part of a mob just to get a few supplies, one of the bruised and battered admin assistants who declined to be identified, just grinned and triumphantly waved a packet of lavender sticky-notes.
T. Allen Culpepper