Consequences of Faculty Votes Probably Negligible

DYSTOPIA–In a display of vague ambivalence, Dystopia College faculty members took two hotly debated but ultimately ineffectual votes during an incoherently rambling five-hour meeting of the DC Faculty Association Friday afternoon.

In the first of the two actions, faculty members voted “not very much confidence” in Dystopia President Overly Payeed-Admyn by a three-to-one margin.

“It seemed appropriate,” said sometimes-employed almost-tenured Asst. Prof. of Psychology Sigourney Froyt, who supported the not very much confidence vote on the grounds that she has “pretty much lost confidence in everyone and everything” at this point in her career, having been stalled at assistant-professor rank for 28 years.

Asst. Prof. of Physics Maureen “Mo-Mo” Motion said she would have supported the motion as well but ended up abstaining as a result of being “too damn weary to raise my hand.”

Asst. Prof. of Political Science Trub L. Kyser, one of the few faculty members who voted “no,” did not seriously oppose the measure, but “just likes to be contentious,” according to a colleague who wished to remain anonymous.

The second major faculty action was an indecisive 50-50 vote on a proposal to unionize put forward by B. K. Tracker, an assistant professor of history and local union organizer, who said he’s “sick and tired of faculty at this college being treated like fucking house elves at Hogwarts,” adding that things are not likely to change “in this stinking cesspool of shit” until faculty members “get off their lazy asses and take some damn action.”

Besides Tracker, the most vocal supporter of the unionization proposal was Asst. Prof. of Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo, who also swore a lot, but in Spanish. Faculty attending the meeting said Cristo spoke, or rather, ranted, so rapidly that it was impossible to grasp the finer points of his argument, but as one Spanish-speaking colleague put it, Cristo “made it clear that he has a firm grasp on the complete conjugation of chingar.”

Faculty members voting against unionization seemed to fall into two camps. Faculty members in one camp expressed fear of retribution by the college’s board of regents and the state legislature if they decided “to go the union route.” Faculty members in the other camp seemed to be under the impression that establishing a union would constitute, as Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower phrased it, “merely exchanging one form of tyranny for another.

“The hell with you all,” Tracker said, storming out of the meeting after the indecisive vote, “I’m going to the Alby [The Dead Albatross, a local bar] to get drunk.”

In a rare show of solidarity, all the faculty members in attendance followed him, with the exception of Cristo, who was still raging uncontrollably  and had to be take away by two large, sturdy mental health professionals in white jackets.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper




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