DC Police Blotter: Drunken Shenanigans

DYSTOPIA–In the early hours of Sunday morning, Dystopia College police responded to reports of “a bunch of naked Satanists doing their sick  rituals” in Brown Park, adjacent to the College, according to Capt. Cranky Lawless.

Officers did in fact discover “about half a dozen” students in the park, and they were in fact nude, Lawless, said, but they were members of the Lambda Sigma Delta fraternity rather than Satanists, and they were performing gymnastics rather than dark rituals.

When confronted by the responding officers, the fraternity brothers said they had “got pretty shitfaced watching the Olympics on TV” and decided to go to the park to “try out some moves.” They were unable to explain, however, why they were doing it naked.

Though the students “were probably in violation of three of four things,” charging them would have been “a waste of time” since “no harm was done,” Lawless said. Instead, officers gave them blankets and  escorted them back to the ΛΣΔ fraternity house. He said it was not necessary to confiscate any alcohol because “there wasn’t any left.”

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper




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