DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College student Andro Jeenus has been selected to portray the college’s mascot, Lucky the Albatross, DC Albatross Athletic Director B. G. Dik announced Friday.
Dik said Jeenus, one of three students who auditioned for the part, was chosen because of their [Jeenus prefers plural neuter pronouns today] enthusiasm and dance moves, which were “fucking amazing, even for a fag.”
Jeenus, a junior double-majoring in French (one of the programs likely to be phased out soon) and international business (a program recently revamped to emphasize Dystopia’s “global focus”) also serves as president (“though we don’t like to be that hierarchical, really”) of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Dystopia, a student organization for DC students who identify as asexual, bisexual, confused, different, exploring, etc., and their allies.
Jeenus said they is “just absolutely fabulously excited” to get inside the dead-bird suit for his first performance in September.
First alternate for the role is Joey DiMarco, who said he will be happy to shadow Jeenus and fill in if they has to miss a performance for some reason. DiMarco added that “Andro really deserved the part after that dance thing they did” and that he [DiMarco] had auditioned “mainly to keep busy and take my mind off that whole thing with the aliens who raped me behind the library when I wasn’t on acid.”
DiMarco, coincidentally, is treasurer of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (“though we don’t really have any treasure”).
The mascot position became vacant after the previous Lucky, Bocca del Lupo, was hit by a car on his way to class. Del Lupo will survive, but will need some time to recover from his injuries, which included a broken leg.
T. Allen Culpepper