Dystopia Sports: Albatrosses Go Down in Pre-Season Massacre

DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College football coach and athletic director B. G. Dik said today that he has “no fucking idea” what went wrong in the Albatrosses’ “devastating” 97-6 loss to the Vecchia College Mariners in pre-season action Saturday afternoon on the road.

“We were flying high in the first quarter,” Dik says of the only period in which the Albatrosses scored at all, but by the middle of the second quarter,  the Mariners were “sailing right past us,” and in the second half, “they shot us right out of the air.”

“The team looked pretty good in practice last week, but you never know what’s gonna happen until you take the field,” said Dik, at a loss to explain the Albatrosses’ shameful incompetence in the pre-season game.

He said it is clear from the numerous turnovers and interceptions that plagued the Albatrosses throughout the match-up, however, that the Albatrosses “really need to work on their ball-handling skills,” so “getting their hands on some balls” will definitely be a priority in upcoming practices for Dystopia’s Sept. 3 season-opener against the rival Coyotes of West Nowhere University.

Coach Dik said Albatross starting quarterback Troyan Fubaa “is a phenomenal football player” but on the basis of Fubaa’s disappointing performance on Saturday, and the interceptions in particular, he suspects that his star player “might be color-blind, or maybe just regular blind.”

Interviewed immediately after the game, Fubaa said, “Um, well, you know, I don’t really know what, like, was happening and stuff. I just went out there to play some football and I threw the football ’cause coach keeps tellin’ me, ‘you gotta throw the football,'” but whenever I would throw the football, the wrong dudes kept catching it. I mean, I was, like throwing it to my homies, but them other dudes kept getting in my way.”

Asked what comes next for the Albatrosses, “We just gotta get out there and play some football,” Dik said. “We know what football is. We’ve played football before. We’ve practiced football a lot. And if we just persevere, one day we’re going to play football like a real football team at a real college,” he said.

“It’s all about the defense,” he added. “That and the offense.”

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

 

 

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