Weapons on Campus: To Carry or Not?

DYSTOPIA–Newly passed legislation allowing both openly carried and concealed weapons on the Dystopia College campus has provoked a variety of reactions within the college community. Some say they are carrying weapons on campus now that it is legal, some say they won’t carry guns themselves but understand the reasoning behind the new law, and some say weapons on campus are just a bad idea, period.

Perhaps surprisingly, many faculty members did not seem especially troubled by the idea of weapons on campus.

Intermittently employed almost-tenured Asst. Prof. of Psychology Sigourney Froyt said she carries a handgun (“just a little revolver”) in her purse. She said rather ambiguously that she doesn’t think she would use it “to kill someone else” but that”you can’t always rely on the police.”

History professor and union organizer B. K. Tracker said he “disapproves of weaponry in principle” but concedes “that in an imperfect world it is sometimes a necessary evil” to “empower the people.”  He said he welcomes the new law because it means he will no longer have to conceal the small arsenal that he keeps in his office “just in case of a revolutionary emergency.”

Maureen “M0-Mo” Motion, an assistant of physics, said that she “has no problem with firearms really,” though she carries a rifle “only to the firing range.”  She joked that the trajectory calculations often seen on her desk are “just, you know, theoretical physics.”

According to Asst. Prof. of Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo, who heard about the new law while he was in a residential anger-management program, said that it “just made sense” to buy a handgun on the way home after he was released. He said his only concern about the new law is that it “might pose certain risks” for some of his students and colleagues.

Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower, on the other hand, said he is somewhat uncomfortable with weapons on campus because his “obvious importance” as a “obviously important” scholar and writer would “obviously” make him an “important” target for assassination. As a result, he has purchased several fashionable bullet-proof vests from Armani and Prada, but will not arm himself, he said, explaining that the rifle barrel protruding from his office door is “merely a realistic replica” for the purpose of “discouraging inane questions about policies that are clearly elucidated” on his syllabi.

Students, too, had mixed feelings about campus weaponry.

Junior psychology major Si Kopat, found chain-smoking cigarettes in defiance of the smoke-free campus signs and pacing in the shadows behind the Dusty Booker Library late Thursday night with a blood-stained machete dangling from the umbrella loop on his backpack, said he thinks weapons in general are “pretty.”

He said the blood stains are not fresh, though, and that he hasn’t actually used the machete “lately.”  He said he carries it more “to make a point” that, although legislators were probably thinking only of guns, the actual wording of the new law makes it applicable to weapons of any kind, including his machete.

He said campus police and other college personnel have “hassled me a little bit,” but that they “can’t really do anything, ’cause it’s perfectly legal.” Capt. Cranky Lawless of the campus police said that he could not comment on the “hassling” issue, but that Kopat is “more or less right” about the limitations on police action.  He said that as “long as he doesn’t raise and aim” the machete, he’s not really breaking the law.

Student Joey di Marco said he thinks the law is a good one “because of the aliens,” but that he can’t afford a firearm so he just carries “a really sharp box knife” that he “borrowed” from the supermarket where he works so that he can protect himself “if they come back for me again.”

Arson Boomer and Cy-Anne Idol, both work-study students employed as lab assistants in the Pearl E. ven der Laadtuht Chemistry Laboratory, say they have no interest in, or need for, “pre-manufactured” weapons because they “have access to enough explosives to send this whole place into orbit around Uranus,” plus “a pretty sweet array” of deadly poisons.

Fifth-semester freshman Trig Ryder, who usually keeps a well-stocked gun strapped to his back and “another one in the truck” said he’s not a violent person; he just “really likes guns.” Still, he said, he’s not afraid to shoot someone “if Jesus tells me to.”

One student who maintains a strong anti-weaponry stance is sophomore chemical engineering and floral design major Abdullah Ibrahim Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad.  Al-Abad, whose Hkup profile describes him as a”pacifist, vegan, skeptical Buddhist bottom,” says he opposes all weaponry and all violence and fears that the new law will “give free rein to those crazy-ass Christian cow-fuckers.”

“We all just need to look inside and find our happy place,” Al-Abad said. “It’s all about the breath,” he added. “We all just need to breathe.”

Senior Charity Love, however, said that students like Al-Abad, despite their good intentions are both naive and biased. She said she does carry an assault rifle but uses it only for self-defense, not for promoting a particular ideology.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper







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