Campus Police Detain Professor

DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College campus police have detained a member of the college faculty for interrogation, according to police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.

Lawless said Asst. Prof. of Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo is “being held for questioning” as a result of allegations that he chased an unarmed student around campus at gunpoint.

He said several witnesses saw a man whom they identified as Cristo chasing the student, a Dystopia freshman whose name has not been released.

According to students in Cristo’s 9:30 a.m. STEM and Business Intermediate Spanish II class after the student became frustrated and accused Cristo of being “obsessed with conjugation.”

Students said Cristo grew increasingly angry at the student before pulling a pistol from his book bag and chasing the student out of the room.

Various members of the Dystopia College community who were bored at gazing idly out windows facing the college’s Hades¬†Quadrangle said they witnessed part of the chase.

The chase ended when the student, apparently faster than Cristo, ran off campus to Brown Park on the other side of Dystopia Boulevard, and Cristo gave up his pursuit after a near miss with a car, a black Jaguar driven by student Samantha Sabrina Eastwick. Cristo was not injured, Lawless said, but his brush with traffic gave the unnamed freshman time to get away.

Cristo, who has been vocal about his dissatisfaction with “the Dystopian experience” has had problems with anger-management issues, according to English and Foreign Languages Chair Donna B. Askance, but has completed a residential anger-management program.

Provost Dr. Eddina Field said the college has no immediate plans to terminate Cristo’s employment, but will ask him to take a voluntary leave of absence pending the outcome of the police investigation. She said his classes will be taken over temporarily by part-time instructor Pablo Espagnole, who is fluent in Spanish as well as French.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper


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