DYSTOPIA–Obie Seth Witverben will enact the newly created role of Verb Czar at Dystopia College, Provost Eddina Field has announced.
Field said she hypothesized the czar position, which will report to Director of Assessment Assessment Dr. Numbah Karuncha, in response to the need to critique the formulations being generated by faculty as they create course outcomes. Specifically, Witverben’s job will be to scrutinize the language that faculty members originate to ensure that the wording they devise employs only taxonomically appropriate verbs.
Witverben, who holds a bachelor’s degree in pottery education from West Nowhere University, is charged with validating those faculty members who comply and probing those who do not.
Witverben said that many faculty members, particularly those in STEM and business disciplines who don’t actually know what many verbs mean anyway, are relatively easy to manipulate into adopting modified statements that articulate outcomes in a taxonomically appropriate manner, but others have been resistant.
He said English and foreign language faculty present the greatest challenge, partly because they have habitually internalized the practice of critical thinking that they are charged with teaching students and thus have grown resistant to the production of total bullshit. Besides that, he said, they apparently believe that a doctoral degree in a language entitles them to select their own verbs for describing the desired outcomes of their courses.
“Just yesterday, one of those uppity bastards showed the balls to concoct an argument that prioritized two taxonomically inappropriate verbs in a single revised outcome! Now, you just tell me how you’re supposed to measure that!”
Witverben prognosticated, however, that eventually even English faculty will come to authenticate and even embody taxonomically recognized verb choices, at least if they truly prioritize customizing students to represent the needs of the workforce.
T. Allen Culpepper