DYSTOPIA–Fall classes begin next weak at Dystopia College, and enrollment is “still healthy” despite being down “seven or eight percent” from last year, according to Registrar Liam E. Llonplys.
Llonplys attributes this fall’s slightly smaller freshman class to the fact that the college’s online enrollment system was “seriously fucked” for most of the summer. He said “false and unfounded” rumors that the the college was on the brink of closure as a result of near bankruptcy might also have “scared a few folks off.”
The college typically enrolls a total of 7,500 to 8,500 students and is within in the range, though “toward the lower end of it,” this fall.
Dystopia President Overly Payeed-Admyn said he is “not that concerned” about the smaller freshman class or the college’s fiscal situation at this point, because neither has been severe enough to affect his salary.
“Anyway,” Payeed said, “the quality of students is more important than the quantity–provided, of course, that enrollment doesn’t drop precipitously enough to lower my salary or affect my job security–and this year’s freshmen are some of Dystopia’s best ever.”
He said every single newly admitted freshman “has a high school record and some test scores.” He said comparing test scores across the board is difficult because the college accepts the new SAT, the old SAT, and the ACT. He said all this year’s freshmen topped 800 on the new SAT, “broke a thousand” on the old SAT, or scored “in the double digits” on the ACT.
He said the college requires test scores but doesn’t have specific cutoff scores. He said each applicant is considered individually and that relatively low scores are sometimes mediated by other factors, such as an “encouraging” credit report.
Although classes officially begin next Monday, Provost Eddina Field said, “it’ll be a few days after that before anyone other than the freshmen actually shows up.” She said the annual student convocation ceremony is being postponed until early September because it’s so hot right now that faculty members “were bitching and moaning and throwing hissy fits” about having to put on their regalia for the “half-dozen students that might actually go because they’re bored or don’t know anyone to party with yet.”
T. Allen Culpepper