College President Injured in Faculty-Meeting Melee

DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College President Overly Payeed-Admyn sustained several non-life-threatening injuries as the result of the chaos that erupted at a meeting with college faculty when Payeed inadvertently referred to the institution as “Dystopia Corporation,” college officials have confirmed.

Faculty members who wished to remain anonymous said later that the faculty has grown increasingly distressed over the last few years by the “corporate model” that has become pervasive in higher education. The trend has shifted the role of college presidents from providing a college with academic leadership and vision to serving as a highly paid chief executive focused primarily on fundraising. It has also led to the view–highly unpopular with faculty–of students as “customers” purchasing “services” from college employees.

When Payeed said corporation rather than college during a meeting with faculty, “some serious hell broke loose,” according to campus police spokesman Capt. Cranky Lawless, who said he happened to be on duty at the meeting and saw the whole thing himself.

Lawless said Payeed’s misstatement was apparently the last straw for faculty members who have been suppressing their anger and harboring deep frustration and bitter resentment for a long time.  “He obviously crossed a line,” Lawless said, “and the faculty pounced on him.”

He said it was hard to distinguish participants from observers in the chaos, but the faculty charge was led by history professor and union organizer B. K. Tracker and Spanish professor Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo. Tracker, who has repeatedly called for the “return of the revolution” to “take back education from the corporate raiders,” reached the president first and began pummeling him with a thick stack of student essays.

Other faculty members joined in, and things took a turn for the worse when Cristo, in a sudden burst of anger, ripped off his ankle monitor and used it in an effort “to beat  the shit out of” the president. (Cristo has prior arrests for anger-related incidents.)

Lawless said that when the incident began, he was at the back of the auditorium checking messages on his phone,  since faculty meetings are generally “unbearably tedious” and not prone to violence. Fortunately for Payeed, though, Lawless called for backup  and officers were able to break up the fight before the president was more seriously injured.

Tracker said he has no regrets and will keep battling the “corporatization of education and exploitation of faculty,” with violence if necessary. Cristo, who has been “taken away,” according to college officials, could not be reached immediately for comment.

Sometimes employed, almost-tenured Asst. Prof. of Psychology Sigourney Froyt,  found sitting quietly in her office after the incident, sipping tea and polishing her revolver, said that she  did not participate in the attack on Payeed herself but that she nevertheless found the meeting “strangely invigorating.”

Lawless said no charges have been filed at this point in relation to the incident.


Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper





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