DYSTOPIA–What would happen if a college had classes but nobody showed up?
That’s more or less what happened on the first day of fall classes at Dystopia College, when only a few freshmen showed up for morning classes because Dystopia sophomores and juniors staged a sleep-in to protest the college’s class-scheduling policies.
Sophomore marketing major Privi Ledger, who organized the protest via social media, said the students believe that the college’s scheduling of class before 2 p.m., and at any time on Mondays and Fridays, “inconveniences us as customers, encroaches on our entitlement, and artificially shortens weekends,” thus depriving students of “much needed recovery time.”
Freshmen were not invited to participate in the sleep-in because, in the words of freshman chemistry major Solo Wallflower, “nobody ever tells us freshmen anything.” No one is sure whether seniors participated in the protest or not, because, as English major Rich Kidd and psychology major Si Kopat agreed, “seniors don’t go to class anyway.”
Sophomore Abdullah Ibrahim Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad said protests are “not really my thing” but added that he inadvertently participated in this one because he forgot to set his “really sweet” gong alarm. When he woke up and found out about the protest, he just took advantage of the time to “sit quietly and contemplate some really amazing flower petals.”
Samantha Sabrina Eastwick said she hadn’t heard about the protest because she had “accidentally disappeared” her phone the night before, so she was planning to attend a class or two but was so exciting “to actually find a parking place” that she decided to “hang out in the car and enjoy it.”
Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower, who said he wouldn’t have minded sleeping in a bit himself, actually felt a little sorry for his freshman and thus “had them write some mindless fluff, sent them home, and headed down to the Dead Albatross to do some shots” in preparation for his evening seminar.
Sometimes employed, almost-tenured Asst. Prof. of Psychology Sigourney Froyt said she actually wasn’t in class herself because she couldn’t remember if she was currently on the payroll or not, so she stayed home reading and drinking herbal tea. Therefore, it was later in the day before she learned that her students hadn’t shown up either. All in all, the situation “worked out pretty well for everyone,” she added.
Provost Eddina Field said the sleep-in “was a ridiculous display of shameless millennial entitlement by a bunch of uppity, overprivileged, self-centered, little shits.” But because they are “little shits whose parents pay tuition,” Dystopia President Overly Payeed-Admyn “will probably cave eventually” and ask her to consider eliminating classes that begin earlier than 10 or 11 a.m.
T. Allen Culpepper