DYSTOPIA–A “near epidemic” of faculty and staff members reporting that they “hear random splashing noises” has taken hold at Dystopia College, according to two mental-health professionals.
Both Dr. Loba Ptomei, director of mental-health services at the Mal Hayes Wellness Center, and Sam Smartt, bartender at the Dead Albatross said “just about everybody” on the faculty and staff who comes in for counseling reports this same unusual symptom.
After comparing notes when Ptomei stopped by the Alby for a grande iced whiskey with no room, they looked for a pattern to the reports and established an approximate starting date for them.
Ptomei and Smartt said they “did some theorizing” and concluded that the phenomenon has resulted from fears related to the “offboarding process” that the sinking ship of a college initiated a few months back in an effort to “lighten itself in the water.” The splashing noise is the sound of employees hitting the water when they are pitched overboard without warning.
The only treatment for the disorder is counseling to help suffers overcome their fears that they will be the next to walk the plank, Ptomei said, ordering another grande iced whiskey “with a couple of extra shots this time, Sam,” but added that she “questions the ethics of that because, frankly, their fears are totally justified, best I can tell.”
T. Allen Culpepper