DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College campus police have booked two “extraterrestrials” on suspicion of sexual assault after apprehending them outside a college residence hall around 11 p.m., police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless has confirmed.
Lawless said the two “aliens” are both students at the college and both claim to be originally from Uranus. He declined to release their names at this point.
Police were alerted to the situation when witnesses say the saw the two suspects attempting to sneak into Hale Hall, where a large percentage of the college’s male students live. One of those students is Joey DiMarco, who has alleged that aliens sexually assaulted him a few months ago behind the Dusty Booker Library.
Several students reported seeing the attempted break-in, but one of them took further action. Sabrina Samantha Eastwick, who “just happened to be passing by” with her girlfriend when she saw what was going on and decided to do what she could to help.
She said she used a simple combination of spells to hold the suspects in place until police could arrive and “give them just a little charge” while they waited.
Student Abdullah Ibrahim Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad saw “the whole thing” from his position on the residence hall room, where he goes to meditate (and occasionally to medicate, he admitted). He said it was a “remarkable experience.”
Albatross starting quarterback, who was “tossing a Frisbee with some homies” on the lawn, in defiance of the popular conception that he can’t do anything other than throw footballs, concurred. “I ain’t never seen nothing like that shit, even back when I was smoking crack all the time,” he said.
As news of the incident spread around the Dystopia campus, most people had more or less the same response.
“Holy shit,” said Fgn Gocha Na, the college’s legal counsel; Andro Jeenus, president of ABCDEFGHIZKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Dystopia; Loba Ptomei, director of mental-health services; Solo Wallflower, DiMarco’s roommate; Sigourney Froyt, intermittently employed, almost-tenured assistant professor of psychology, who briefly served as DiMarco’s advisor; Overly Payeed-Admyn, president of the college, who remembered one of the suspects from a meeting about inter-special restrooms on campus; Sam Smartt, bartender at the Dead Albatross;Isaiah DeNigh, DiMarco’s attorney; Indie, DiMarco’s service cat; and almost everybody else in the campus community.
And what does DiMarco himself think of this new development?
“Dude, that is just fucking batshit crazy,” said DiMarco, still a bit wild-eyed and agitated from “a little rave” he attended a couple of nights ago.
T. Allen Culpepper