DYSTOPIA–Like colleges nationwide, Dystopia is re-evaluating its police in light of an increased number of reported sexual assaults. Dystopia, however, has faced some of the most unusual cases.
Sophomore Lily, who asked that her last name not be used said that “some random dude” she “hooked up with after a party” initiated undesired sexual contact with her, but, fortunately, she had her classmate Samantha Sabrina Eastwick on speed dial.
Eastwick, who is active in the student organization African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace, rallied its members, who came to her aid “so fast it was like magic” and “resolved the situation.”
The college is investigating the alleged assailant, junior Hunter O’Wimmin. Although the investigation is “going really slow,” Lily said she is not particularly concerned about it because the ALSWP “did what needed to be done,” and she doesn’t think O’Wimmin will be causing anymore trouble, because “how can he, really?”
Eastwick said she didn’t “want to go into the gory details,” but “Hunter’s not the man he used to think he was.”
Another case, oddly, involved only one person, freshman Ian Somuchneed, whom campus police have charged with sexually assaulting produce.
“A melon,” campus police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless, sighed, beside a dumpster, from which he apparently salvaged it. The incident occurred around 2 a.m. on a Saturday, along the well worn student shortcut that leads from Hades Quadrangle to the “Strip” of student-oriented businesses, including several popular bars.
Needless to say, Somuchneed, was “so drunk I don’t think there was any blood left in his alcohol.” As a result, officers arranged for an ambulance to transport him to Dystopia General Hospital for treatment.”
Under the circumstances, Lawless said, he would have preferred not to charge Somuchneed, but he really didn’t have a choice: “There were witnesses. And cellphone photos. And videos,” he said, adding that he’s “sure they’re all over Snapchat by now.”
In perhaps the most bizarre case, student Joey DiMarco continues to insist that he was sexually assaulted by aliens behind the Dusty Booker library. There were no witnesses, however, and a medical examination did not reveal any “alien residue,” according to Lawless.
DiMarco and his attorney, Isaiah DeNigh, claim that the college is “dragging its feet on the investigation,” and DiMarco believes that the college is not taking his claims seriously because he’s “a gay dude.”
The college’s legal counsel, Fgn Gocha Na, said that is not the case. “We don’t care if he’s into men, women, Furries, or even melons,” Na said. “But aliens? Really? How the hell do you prosecute aliens, especially non-existent ones?”
Meanwhile, Dystopia Albatross Athletic Director B. G. Dik has acknowledged that Dystopia’s soccer season “may or may not happen this year” because “pretty much the whole men’s side and a couple of the women” are under investigation in relation to alleged sexual-assault incidents. Soccer Coach Kiki Ball, who is also under investigation, was not immediately available for comment.
“God knows I’m sympathetic to the victims, especially that kid Joey, who’s totally batshit crazy,” Na said privately, “but I can’t help being a little nostalgic for the old days when students just didn’t report what they got up to.”
T. Allen Culpepper