DYSTOPIA–Two Dystopia College campus police officers have been suspended pending investigation of an incident in which they allegedly beat and then shot a white male student for no apparent reason, according to police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.
Witnesses said freshman chemistry major Solo Wallflower was walking to his 11 a.m. Business and STEM English Composition class, “just minding his own business,” when the incident occurred. Student and faculty witnesses said Wallflower was walking slowly along the sidewalk in front of Dusty Booker Library, with his earbuds in and his face buried in copy of Finnegans Wake, his first reading assignment, which he was trying to finish before class. As a result, he “wasn’t very alert” and “didn’t see what was coming.”
It was at this point that the two officers, Sgt. Beaton M. Seneslez and Lt. Taze M. Goode, “jumped out from behind some dying bushes” and attacked Wallflower from behind, knocking him to the ground, beating him with his copy of Finnegans Wake and then shooting him in the right buttock with “a pellet gun or something.”
Both officers are “big men,” whereas Wallflower is a skinny kid, “maybe six feet or so, but 115 tops,” bystanders said, so it is unlikely that such force would have been necessary in any case, but certainly not since “he hadn’t done anything.”
One student who was close enough to hear part of the exchange between officers and Wallflower but did not want to be identified said that he heard one of the officers accuse Wallflower of “walking on the grass.” The student said he thought this was odd, because “you’d have to look hard to find enough grass to step on” around the Dystopia campus.
Wallflower, who says he is “bruised up” and has “a helluva sore ass,” was transported to Dystopia General Hospital, treated, and released, with some aftercare instructions.
The officers have apologized, saying they were just doing their job, and that with his face covered by the Wake, officers “thought he might be black” and “didn’t want to take any chances.”
Seneslez and Goode have been relieved of their duties pending the outcome of the investigation, Lawless said.
T. Allen Culpepper