Data Storm Hits Dystopia

DYSTOPIA–An extraordinary level of high-pressure data transfer caused a portion of the Cloud over Dystopia College today to burst today, resulting in a storm that pounded the campus with data chunks, some as big as softballs.

Dystopia Information Technology Director Long Way Gho attributed the freak data storm to multiple factors.

First, he said, even though classes are now well under way, students and advisors are still working to get some students enrolled late.  Late enrollment is not generally allowed, he said, but the college had to make an exception this year because the college’s online enrollment-management system, Redflag, was “seriously fucked” for much of the summer, and thus students had to wait until the last minute to enroll.

Second, because the online course-management system , Blackout, had been down for “a few days,” when it came back up, faculty all rushed to upload all their course materials at once.

Gho said he and his staff had been anticipating those first two problems, but two additional ones took them by surprise.

Faculty who had been having trouble accessing their email through the college’s email application, Lockout, finally got their messages from the last few months and discovered that Director of Assessment Assessment Numba Karuncha had given them a deadline of Sept. 1 to have “all course outcomes for all courses, along with master syllabi, and measurements instruments” entered into the college’s online assessment tool, UNRAVEL

Faculty, already stressed because of the usual first-of-semester problems and the fact that they are starting yet another semester still at Dystopia, “just panicked,” Gho said, and started furiously generating data and moving it “all over place.”

At about the same time, students began realizing that the Labor Day long weekend will be here soon and overloaded all the hookup sites and travel applications.

“I thought it not possible,” Gho said, “but we break Cloud and now we all flooded with data.”

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

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