DYSTOPIA–The two alleged extraterrestrials arrested after alleged attempting to break into a Dystopia College residence hall with the alleged possible motive of further contact with a student who alleges that he was previous assaulted by aliens who may or may not be the same alleged aliens are holding firm to their version of events, according to campus police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.
Despite thorough interrogation, including a great deal of “prodding,” a procedure upon which he declined to elaborate, the suspects continue to insist that they are from Uranus and that they have not “visited” Joey DiMarco’s, though he “does look really hot in a skirt.” DiMarco is the student who claims that aliens reaped him behind the Dusty Book library several months ago, though a medical analysis did not reveal the presence of any alien semen.
Lawless said the “extraterrestrials” (the term they prefer over “aliens”) acknowledge attempting to scale the west wall of Hale Hall, where DiMarco lives, but insist that they were not attempting to break into the building but were only trying to reach the roof, which reportedly affords an impressive view of the Dystopia campus, so that they could send some “really sick selfies” to their friends back on Uranus.
Numerous witnesses observed the two suspects on the wall, but investigators have found no evidence of forced entry.DiMarco was not home at the time of the incident because he was still at the all-night rave he went to three days earlier.
Lawless said that even though the “aliens” look suspiciously like ordinary human college students wearing a lot of body paint, investigators are “keeping an open mind.” He said the next step likely will be a medical examination to determine whether the suspects are Earthlings or Uranians, as they claim. The difficulty, he said, is that no one knows much about Uranian anatomy and physiology. In fact, many people are still quite ignorant of human anatomy and physiology despite the charitable C’s that their college professors eventually gave them.
In the meantime, DiMarco’s attorney, Isaiah DeNigh, said the mere presence of these particular extraterrestrials, regardless of whether they are found guilty of a crime, lends credence to his client’s claim by demonstrating that someone who claims to have encountered aliens is not necessarily “totally batshit crazy.”
The college’s legal counsel, Fgn Gocha Na, asked whether the current “alleged alien situation” will affect Dystopia’s handling of of DiMarco’s complaint that the college is not taking his case seriously because he is gay and the perpetrators were aliens, said she is maintaining a “wait and see” stance at this point.
T. Allen Culpepper