DYSTOPIA–The two alleged “extraterrestrials” being held for questioning in relation to the alleged attempted break-in at Hale Hall, a men’s residence hall at Dystopia College, possibly in connection with an earlier alleged sexual assault have allegedly disappeared from police custody, according to campus police spokesperson Sgt. Lorinda Cielo.
(Cielo is substituting for Capt. Cranky Lawless, who is on leave.)
She said the suspects were in custody at lights-out last night, but were nowhere to be found this morning. She said there whereabouts and means of escape remain unknown at this point. “It’s almost like witchcraft or something,” she said.
“It was witchcraft,” said Asst. Prof. of Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo, who was occupying the adjacent cell after his latest “anger incident.” “Todo un aquelarre de brujas locas llegó y se los llevaron. Carajo!” he said.
“Unlikely,” said Samantha Sabrina Eastwick, a coven leader for the student organization African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace, though she declined to elaborate.
The two “aliens” were apprehended after witness spotted them scaling a residence-hall wall. They have repeatedly stated that they were not trying to break in but were merely trying to reach the roof to take advantage of the view. Police have been suspicious of their story, however, because student Joey DiMarco, who claims to have been sexually assaulted by aliens on an earlier occasion, lives in Hale.
Ciel said a search is under way and “the dogs are out.”
T. Allen Culpepper