DYSTOPIA–Although Dystopia College officials are still verifying the claim with various record-keeping organizations, it appears that Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English Des Peratphurjhob has achieved the record for world’s longest syllabus.
Peratphurjob said she is “quite proud” of her English 101 syllabus, which she has “tended like a prize tomato” during her decade of contingent part-time employment with the college. The current version numbers 477 pages, a good six pages longer than Asst. Prof. of History B. K. Tracker’s monumental History of the North American Continent from the Conception of the Universe to the Twenty-fifth Century.
Peratphurjob said she has added every suggestion given to her by students, administrators, full-time faculty mentors, and fellow adjuncts over the last decade, and added policies of her own so that she believes her syllabus “now covers every conceivable thing that could occur in a freshman composition class.”
It addresses everything from the routine, such as broken printers and homework-hungry dogs, to procedures for responding to unexpected emergencies such as an alien invasion or malicious witchcraft, and even a section on her policy for dealing with students who behave inappropriately in class because of demonic possession.
But will students actually read a 477-page syllabus? “No, of course not. They wouldn’t even read a four-page syllabus. But that’s beside the point. It’s not really about the students, is it? It’s more about avoiding inconvenient disagreements and potential lawsuits.”
“When I say, ‘It’s on the syllabus,’ I’m not fucking kidding,” she added.
Provost Eddina Field said two students brought Peratphurjhob’s accomplishment to her attention.
Fifth-semester freshman Trig Ryder, who is taking 101 with Peratphurjhob for the fourth time, said he considers himself a bit of an expert on the development of his professor’s syllabus over the last few semesters, and has been impressed that “she thinks of pretty much everything.”
New freshman Solo Wallflower said, “That thing is a fucking monster. I haven’t read it, and I’m not going to, but you gotta admire her just for thinking up that much crap.”
T. Allen Culpepper