Advisors Settle Students into RUTS

DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College’s new enrollment and advising program, RUTS, is off to a great start, according to Advising Director Bateman Switchem.

Switchem said RUTS (Routing Undergraduates Through School) has now been fully implemented and has “really streamlined the advising process.”  Not only is the new system faster and simpler than the old process, students “get less confusing advice,” he said.  In the past, he said, advisors often gave students information about various options and choices.  With the new system, he said, “there’s no more of that nonsense.”

Advisor Cat L. Driver explained the new system this way: “After students select a box on the basis of their favorite color and guess a random number, they are sorted into the course of study connected with that color and pushed into a ‘corridor’ that leads directly there.”  She added that the beauty of the system is that once they pick a color, students have no future options, “so they never have to think again.”

As for the number that students guess, “It doesn’t mean anything at all; it’s just for fun.”

“The whole thing is a lot like the sorting hat in the Harry Potter books and movies, but less scientific,” added Advisor Satima Strayt.  She said the other similarity to Hogwarts is the “tunnel of doom” that students pass through on the way out of advising, a tunnel which resembles the “room of requirement.”  When the exit door opens it leads into a corridor that leads directly to the academic discipline a student has chosen.

Junior Stone D. Ongress, who has been undecided about his major since entering the college, said he was impressed by the new system, which finally eliminated his indecision. He said  that as soon as he chose the color green and guessed the number 420, “the advisors jumped me, threw me in a green box, stapled a green tag to my ear, and shoved me out the door.” He found himself in a tunnel that led straight to the School of Business.

Within an hour, he said, he had been implanted with an invariable plan to buy a business degree, relocate to Colorado, and open a marijuana store. “Selling weed!” he said, “now that’s a job I can live with.”

Fifth-semester freshman Trig Ryder said he too had a positive experience with the new system, and is now, quite unexpectedly, a theatre major.  “Ms. Driver told me there wasn’t much hope of me ever being a really successful student, but she thinks I can probably learn to act like one. And she said I’m probably the kind of person who’s better off just following a script instead of trying to think for myself.”

Ryder said getting that advice would have been a “come-to-Jesus moment” for him, except that Jesus has always followed him around campus. “He’s kind of like a helicopter parent, except, you know, the Son of God and all.”

Provost Eddina Field said “success stories” like those of Ongress and Ryder provide “clear evidence” of RUTS working e”xactly how it’s supposed to,” thanks to the diligent efforts of the advising staff.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

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