College Considers Academic-Process Changes

DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College is considering “re-branding its academic process to increase the market appeal of its educational experience,” according to Provost Eddina Field.

Field said the college has retained consultant Gloria Sellout, whose services are “shamefully expensive, and thus obviously highly desirable” to “evaluate our options.”

Under one proposal being considered,  students would no longer enroll in courses  to earn credit hours leading toward an academic major and ultimately a bachelor’s agree, but would instead “engage in focused training and then demonstrate selected learning outcomes to earn merit badges until they accumulate enough badges to achieve the rank of Albatross Scout.”

In another, tentatively titled AlbatrossGo, students would hunt down imaginary mythical creatures that, when captured, would “serve as spirit guides to enlightenment” in various academic disciplines.

In yet another, the academic process would disappear altogether, and students would  purchase “market credentials,” with the cost based upon the anticipated earning power of the selected credential.  For example, an “engineering credential” or a “celebrity credential” would “run around $80,000,” whereas a “political credential” would be auctioned off to the highest bidder, and a “liberal arts credential” would be “virtually free.”

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper


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