DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College has begun receiving myriad complaints that the college flag, which depicts an albatross flying through a capital D toward a brick wall, exploits an animal and implies cruelty toward it.
A visibly shaken President Overly Payeed-Admyn, found sitting under his desk gulping whisky directly from the bottle, said he has dealt gracefully with “the vegans, the aliens, the psychos, the crazies, and the haters” up until now, but the flag protestors have “crossed the line.”
As his agitation increased, he ranted, “It is not a fucking albatross, for God’s sake. It is a badly drawn, not very-realistic picture of an albatross on a damn piece of cloth. No albatrosses were harmed in the making of the flag. In fact, the only albatross within five hundred miles of this sad little college is our anthropomorphic mascot, Lucky, who is portrayed by a gender-confused student and has been insulted but never physically hurt, and in case people are too fucking stupid to figure it out, the scene on the flag is a metaphor, with the albatross representing the young scholars flying on the wings of inquiry toward the hallowed halls of academia, or some such shit, and making sure that the ignoramuses learn that sort of thing is exactly the damn reason our core curriculum requires English 102, which these moronic assholes obviously need to take or re-take, and there’s no indication that the albatross is going to hit the wall, and, anyway, if a stupid fucking bird flies into a stupid fucking wall, it is not my damn fault!”
As for why the college is associated with an albatross, “Doesn’t anyone read Coleridge anymore? We’ve been shot down one too many times, and this time the bloody bastards are doomed to suffer for it!”
“And, no,” he added, “we are absofuckinglutely not going to change” the flag as long as he remains president of the college. “I like that damn flag, and anyone who disagrees with me I can just fuck off to fucking hell and leave me the fuck alone!”
T. Allen Culpepper