Officers Who Attacked Student Reprimanded, Suspended

DYSTOPIA–Two Dystopia College campus police officers have been reprimanded and suspended without pay for thirty days following investigation of an incident in which they beat and then shot a white male student whom they suspected of being black, according to police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.

Witnesses of the incident said the two officers, Sgt. Beaton M. Seneslez and Lt. Taze M. Goode, jumped from behind bushes and attacked freshman chemistry major Solo Wallflower, who is white, from behind, knocking him to the ground, beating him with his copy of Finnegans Wake and then shooting him in the right buttock with “a pellet gun or something.”

The officers apologized after the incident, which occurred in front of the college’s Dusty Booker Library, saying they were just doing their job, and that with his face covered by the large book, officers “thought he might be black” and “didn’t want to take any chances.”

Wallflower’s injuries required medical attention, but were not life-threatening.

Lawless said that the reprimand alone would probably have been sufficient if the two officers “had just jumped some random student for no particular reason,” an occurrence which is actually “pretty common,” but “accusing a person of being black—that’s a much more serious offense.”

Wallflower said he is satisfied with the result of the investigation, but some members of the campus community are less thrilled.

“It’s just not right to attack someone because you think they’re black, and the college or the law or somebody should put these officers out of business,” said Samantha Sabrina Eastwick, an African American student who serves as coven leader of African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace. She added something about voodoo that the reporter did not quite catch.

Asst. Prof. of Sociology Sylvia Wright-Sacktivist said the two officers’ behavior was “moronic, despicable, racist, and totally unacceptable.” She believes the officers should have faced criminal charges. In any case, she said, “they’d better watch their backs, because there’s always the possibility of a lynch mob led by a strong-minded sociologist arising to deliver vigilante justice,” noting that she was speaking “purely hypothetically, of course.”

Asst. Prof. of Pharmacy Herb L. Tonic said there are “chemical solutions to those kinds of behavioral tendencies,” and those solutions “should have been applied in this case.” He declined to elaborate on the “gory details.”

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

 

 

 

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