DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College is considering employing low-wage intellectual workers to do the coursework of its students, Provost Eddina Field has announced.
She said the college’s decision to “investigate the feasibility” of such an arrangement comes in the wake of rampant cheating at colleges and universities across the nation. She said cheating used to involve “isolated, unsophisticated” incidents such as a student purchasing an essay online or paying a friend to do calculus homework.
Nowadays, cheating has become much more pervasive and much more sophisticated, she said, with the education press reporting that students are contracting with companies that complete coursework for them–sometimes all of their coursework. Field said she “honestly has no idea” how widespread this practice is among Dystopia students, but “given the general incompetence of the students we admit, I would guess there’s a lot of it going on.”
She said the thinking of the Dystopia administration is that if students are going to hire someone to do their coursework anyway, why not let them pay the college to do it? That would eliminate the middleman and essentially allow students to buy their degrees directly from the college. The college would acquire a source of much-needed revenue, and students, freed from the burden of academic work, would have much more time for “the more important aspects of college life.”
Although she and President Overly Payed-Admyn have been “brainstorming about this for a while” and have secured the board of regents’ approval for “looking into it,” Field said the “sticking point has been the cost of employing the academic workers.” She said the private companies that many students contract with now are able to keep their operating costs down by using employees in Africa and Asia, who will generally work for much less than American workers expect.
“And then it just hit me,” Field said. “Hire adjunct professors to do it! They will work for less than anyone else, and they are desperate for full-time jobs. If we pay them minimum wage, they’ll be deliriously happy, because it’ll be way more than they’re making teaching our classes. And they’re having to prep for the classes anyway, so why not just have them complete their own assignments?”
With the college overcharging students for the services and then paying the bare minimum to the adjuncts, it should actually be more economical than paying the adjuncts to teach the classes, because even though they would be making more money as academic laborers, it wouldn’t take nearly as many of them to do the work, and there would be no need to actually staff all the classes, because students wouldn’t bother to go to them.
“It’s a winning situation for everyone!” she said.
T. Allen Culpepper