No Charges Will Be Filed Against Armed Professor Who Chased Unarmed Student; Professor Will Return to Classroom

DYSTOPIA–A Dystopia College professor detained for questioning by campus police after he allegedly chased an unarmed student around campus at gunpoint has been cleared and will not be charged, according to police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.

Asst. Prof. of Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo maintains that he just spontaneously decided he needed a run to clear his head after the student became frustrated during a STEM and Business Intermediate Spanish II class taught by Cristo and accused the professor of being obsessed with conjugation. The student, he said, apparently had a similar thought and ran out just before him.

Cristo admits pulling a handgun from his book bag during the incident, but says he “mistakenly” grabbed the firearm when he reached for his cell phone.

The student, who has now been identified as freshman history major Lev N. Pahst, said Cristo’s explanation is “ludicrous, obviously. Dude pulled a gun on me and chased me out of class.” Pahst said he probably shouldn’t have called Cristo “obsessed,” even though “he was conjugating the fuck out of us that day,” but “that’s no excuse for him trying to hunt me down like a wild animal or something.”

Various members of the Dystopia College community witnessed parts of the chase, which ended when Pahst, younger and faster than Cristo, ran off campus to Brown Park on the other side of Dystopia Boulevard, and Cristo gave up his pursuit after a near miss with a car.

Lawless said that “despite some inconsistencies in his account of the incident,” police determined that they could not charge Cristo with a crime, because carrying a firearm, whether openly or concealed, is “perfectly legal” as a result of a recently passed state law. And “chasing a student” is not prohibited by law, or even by college policy.

Cristo, who has been vocal about his dissatisfaction with “the Dystopian experience” has had problems with anger-management issues, according to English and Foreign Languages Chair Donna B. Askenme, but has completed a residential anger-management program.

Provost Dr. Eddina Field had asked Cristo to take a voluntary leaving pending the outcome of the investigation, but now that he has been cleared, he is free to resume his teaching duties and will probably do so “this week or next.” During his absence, his classes have been covered by part-time instructor Pablo Espagnole, who said he welcomed the opportunity to work with Cristo’s students but is ready to step aside whenever Cristo is ready to return.

Cristo’s attorney, Finn D. Loople of Loople Villain Free, said he client, who “was innocent from the beginning and has cooperated fully with the investigation,” is “eager to put this incident behind and get back to the teaching that he loves.”

Askenme, Cristo’s department chair, said she is “happy that the matter is resolved” and will welcome Cristo, who is “a fine linguist,” back to the classroom. She said the college will not sanction Cristo in any way since he was cleared by the investigation, nor can it legally require him to teach unarmed, according to the college’s legal counsel, Fgn Gochas Na, but the department will request that he voluntary issue a “trigger warning” before firing at anyone.

She said the department will have bulletproof vests available for any of Cristo’s student who want them; students just need to stop by the department office and show their ID cards to pick one up.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

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