DYSTOPIA—A plan now under consideration at Dystopia College would replace the college’s traditional academic organization with a new grouping of disciplines into five broad schools that “would make more sense to students,” according to Provost Eddina Field, who stressed that it is “only being considered; no definite implementation plans have been made at this point.”
The new organizational divisions would be known as the School of Mathematics and International Languages, the School of Liberal Engineering and Social Writing, the School of Performing Technologies and Humanities Marketing, the School of Nursing and Allied Musical Theatre, and the School of Creative Business and Early Veterinary Art Education.
Existing academic disciplines would be sorted randomly into the schools. For example, English would be in the School of Performing Technologies and Humanities Marketing, Math would be in the School of Creative Business and Early Veterinary Art Education, German would be in the School of Nursing and Allied Musical Theatre, and History would be in the School of Mathematics and International Languages.
Advising Director Bateman Switchem said that, by mirroring the apparently random process by which students select courses, the plan would make it easier to “just count up hours and give students some kind of made-up major to get them graduated” as dictated by Done Your Degree at Dystopia (DYDD), a college-completion initiation inspired by mindless legislation. It would also work well with the new RUTS (Routing Undergraduates Through School), an enrollment and advising program based on colored boxes, because “really, any course could be highlighted in a different color if needed to push a student through faster and keep our graduation rates on track.”
Dystopia President Overly Payeed-Admyn admitted that the plan “sounds like a fucked-up mess” but noted that “it wouldn’t make us any worse of an institution than we already are.” He added that it is also “exactly the sort of plan” that the college’s board of regents would “love,” because of its “obvious stupidity,” and “doing what the board likes pays my extravagant salary.”
But would the plan really benefit students and faculty? “Oh, good Lord, no,” Payeed said, “but that’s irrelevant.” As for students who want to transfer to another college or university, he said, “screw them, the disloyal little bastards.” And what about students wanting to pursue graduate study? “Our students? You can’t possibly be serious—unless maybe there’s a graduate school of high school remediation out there somewhere.”
When pressed, Field acknowledge that the plan was concocted during “an informal brainstorming session at the Dead Albatross [a local pub] during which a great deal of alcohol was consumed.”
T. Allen Culpepper