DYSTOPIA–Asst. Prof. of English Chas T. Tayhee has been dismissed for “a combination of inappropriate actions,” but primarily for “not fucking swearing in his damn classes,” Dystopia College Provost Eddina Field confirmed today.”
“The whole situation sucks great big greasy donkey dicks, and it made me sad as hell to have to fire the unlucky bastard, but I really had no fucking choice, damn it,” Field said, adding that Tayhee, who not only does not swear, but also does not smoke, drink, “or even fuck around with his students” just “wasn’t a good fit” for Dystopia.
The provost said the has received numerous complaints from both faculty and students about Tayee’s “totally inappropriate” clean living. She said faculty members want colleagues they can “get totally shit-faced with,” and students want some “entertaining bang for their buck.”
Apparently, Tayhee failed to meet the expectations of either group.
“He’s a nice enough guy, for a douchebag,” according to Owen Hornblower, also an associate professor of English, “but that kind of worked against him here at fucking Dystopia.” Hornblower said colleagues viewed Tayee as “standoffish” because he wouldn’t drink with them at local pub the Dead Albatross or even have a glass of wine or a a beer at a faculty party. That made people “damn uncomfortable, “Hornblower said, because having a a colleague who “stays sober enough to fucking remember what actually happened a faculty gathering” is perceived as “a hell of a danger to everyone.”
Senior English major Rich Kidd said he once “tried” to take a class with Tayhee but “had to drop” because he just couldn’t take the serious academic tone of the class and the sober demeanor of the professor. “What’s the fucking point of even going to some douchebag fucker’s class if he can’t fucking entertain the damn students with crude sex jokes and nasty language? That kind of shit is what students pay good money for.”
Sophomore Privi Ledger agreed: “I’m mean I’m sorry as fucking hell he got kicked out on his ass–that’s a bitch for anyone–but he was about as much fun as a fucking octogenarian grandmother.” She said she expects her professors to “swear like fucking sailors, get drunk off their asses, tell dildo jokes, and fuck around with students” because “that’s just what real professors are supposed to do, damn it.”
“Fuck, dude, I won’t even drag my mother-fucking ass out of mother-fucking bed for a goddamn class where the bitch or bastard teaching the damn thing won’t even fucking try to entertain me with some nasty-ass shit, ” added sophomore Marc Bywords. “The hell with that bullshit. I could be home sleeping and smoking some fucking weed. I mean, damn, what kind of example is it setting when a damn professor–a mother-fucking English professor, especially–won’t even talk fucking trash to his students?”
Tayhee said his dismissal was “disappointing and rather unfair,” and that he believes that both his academic freedom and his right to free speech have been violated, adding that he feels as if his “anus has been penetrated by a large penis,” in a “strictly metaphorical sense, of course,” since he is a “totally chaste asexual.”
Tayhee added that he was “so exceedingly angered” by the injustice of the situation that he “might just go out for a decaf with real milk instead of skinny soy.”
T. Allen Culpepper