Structural Event Facilitates Literary Opportunity

DYSTOPIA–Several students enrolled in Stem and Business Freshman Composition were accidentally introduced to literature around ten this morning when a portion of their classroom floor on the second floor of C. N. K. Shipmann Hall collapsed and dumped them into the middle of a heated discussion about the merits and demerits of obscurity in Stem and Business Modernist poetry.

Adjunct Asst. Prof of English Will Bardly, who was teaching the composition section, said it is not uncommon for many of his students to disappear at some point around midterm, but losing so many of them simultaneous, and so early in the semester, was a bit “concerning.”

Asst. Prof. of English T. S. Elliott-Smith, who teaches the poetry class, said he was initially slightly annoyed by the intrusion, during which his porcelain cup of brandy-laced pennyroyal tea was partially spilled, but, on further reflection, decided that the incident “actually rather supported the Modernist claims regarding the collapse of civilization and the need for art to revive it.”

According to freshman Solo Wallflower, who was in the composition class, but not involved in the collapse because of his customary seat in a back corner of the room, said the crash happened suddenly “just in time to emphasize Will’s point about the dire consequences of misplaced semicolons.” It was, Wallflower said, “like punctuation.”

Although the whole thing was “kind of unsettling, “said student Cocoon Ohmskooler, also a freshman in the comp class, “the poetry was way more disturbing than the fall.” She added that she “might not ever be the same again.”

Beyonda Real, a student in the poetry class, said she is “really fed up with the way those damn clueless freshmen are always trying to crash the upper-level classes.”

Paramedics from Dystopia Fire Station No. 3 treated some “minor abrasions” at the scene, and one student suffered a broken arm, but no life-threatening injuries occurred, probably because of the softness of the humanities curriculum, said Fire Chief Adale Burns.

Facilities Director Needmore “Needy” Dukketaype said both classrooms were evacuated and will be out of use “for a while.”  He said repairs will be authorized as soon as the building inspector has conducted a structural examination of the building and cleared renovation plans. Other ground-floor and basement rooms of Shipmann will remain in use, at least for now, Dukketaype said, but second-floor access will be blocked.

Provost Eddina Field said she is working with Dukketaype and other staff and faculty to find temporary alternative locations for the classes normally taught on the second floor of the building.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

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