DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College’s new RUTS (Routing Undergraduates Through School), which is more more than “enhanced advising,” will help students develop critical thinking skills and give them options by eliminating the need to make choices, push them through college so quickly that they won’t have time to develop dangerous ideas, and plug them as quickly as possible into a career path that might or might not be a good life choice, a panel of professors and advisors repeatedly re-reiterated again and again and again at a mandatory “institute” for faculty last week.
In a two-hour introductory session, faculty re-learned again what they have already known for a year: that the college is moving to the RUTS system whether they like it or not, and they “just have to deal with it.”
President Overly Payeed-Admyn said some stuff, and then Provost Eddina Field said some stuff, and then Director of Advising Bateman Switchem said some stuff. The stuff all ran together but the gist was that RUTS, because RUTS.
The orientation reminded faculty that RUTS is connected with the Dystopian Dream, which is connected with the mission statement, which is related to previous programs like Killing the Dream, Destroying the Dream, Pulverizing the Dream, and Decimating the Dream. Specifically, a1 > D37 / 17 + 95c (f7 (4.5r . 86)) +/- 22(7) = .20F-w/I 10) = .80C.
In breakout sessions following the orientation, faculty began mapping out the ruts that they could have finished mapping out by the time the breakout sessions started if less of their time had been taken up by the two hours of orientation during which they learned absolutely nothing but were shown some not-really-relevant Websites that they could have looked at on their own.
In informal conversation that occurred by texting during the event, faculty learned that their colleagues are neurotic, self-centered psychopaths; that their administrators have no vision or sense of direction; and that students are doomed regardless.
T. Allen Culpepper