DYSTOPIA–Some recent graduates of Dystopia College are complaining that they are unable to find the barista jobs that they were counting on and are thus having to accept more intellectually demanding positions, according to Dr. Justa Kent Teechfyve, dean of Arts & Sciences and Bartending & Barista Studies.
Teechfyve said a survey of recent graduates yielded responses from alumni who say they spent their college careers training for barista jobs that they are no unable to get because they are “overqualified.” As a result, they have been forced to take higher-paying, but more demanding, positions that challenge them rather than just boring them and making them tired.
“It’s a real disappointment,” one alumnus wrote on the anonymous survey. “I thought I would be able to keep working part-time at Rocket Fuel [a local coffeehouse], where I was making just enough money to buy cheap beer and weed but had plenty of time to read and watch online porn, but instead I have to spend the whole day at work and make decisions and stuff.”
Another had to be “retrained” for an unexpected job offer. “What college really taught me was how to be a good slacker,” the graduate said, “but that knowledge has turned out to be not very useful.”
“Having to give up free lattes and chais has been really hard,” yet another wrote. “I mean, I can afford to pay for them now, but it’s such a hassle to have to slide my own credit card and everything. It didn’t seem so bad when I was doing it for other people, but having to do it for myself is just exhausting.”
One respondent added that the job settled for “actually requires that critical-thinking crap they kept forcing me to do in my classes. It was bad enough to have to do it in college, but having it follow me into real life is big burden I didn’t expect.”
In response to a question about what Dystopia could do to improve the post-college experiences, most graduates gave some version of the same answer: prolong college and delay graduation as long as possible.
T. Allen Culpepper