Irate English Professor Encouraged to Take Vacation

DYSTOPIA–A Dystopia English professor has been “encouraged to take a short vacation” after an incident in which he reportedly “suffered a bit of a breakdown” during his STEM and Business Modernist Poetry class on Friday.”

Cellphone videos taken by students in the class show Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower, violently pounding the lectern with a copy of The Collected Works of Ezra Pound (“Appropriate, yes?” he enquires at one point during the video), and screaming, “Here is my fucking manifesto, goddamn it!  Look at me when I fucking talk to you!”

Eye-witness reports from students as well as later private comments by Hornblower himself suggest that the professor became frustrated when it appeared that allow his students were looking at the screens of various electronic devices rather than closely following his lecture on “Fascist Elitist Modernism in the Works of Pound and Its Implication for the Post-Postmodern Student of Literature” and “just kind of lost it.”

Hornblower later said he apologizes for the volume of his screaming and for resorting to “abuse of a literary work,” but not for the content of his in-class remarks.  He said he is “fed up to the gills” with students paying more attention to their phones, laptops, classmates, and own education than to him, and with the “whole fucked-up pedagogical-theorist glorification of student-fucking-centered-fucking-learning–no, wait, shit. That mongrel whoreson bastard of a verb czar has banned ‘learning,” so let me rephrase: the whole fucked-up pedagogical-theorist glorification of student-fucking-centered-fucking-knowledge actualization.”

Hornblower said he is a “proud traditionalist” who continues to believe in the now-disparaged professor-centered sage-on-the-stage educational model in which all eyes are on him.  “Damn it, my class is not about some uninformed, overly sensitive, overly entitled undergraduate slackers, it’s all about me! I am the fucking professor! I have the goddamn Ph-fucking-D! I am the motherfucking star of this motherfucking show! Me me me me me!!!”

Perhaps fortunately for students, Hornblower said he has not yet had time to acquire the loaded gun required by the college’s new policy on firearms for safe spaces.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper




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