DYSTOPIA–In an effort to simultaneously increase “student knowledge actualization” and cut faculty-salary expenditures, Dystopia College plans to fire all faculty members who do not have at least one sex-toy icon on the popular DissMyProfs Website, Provost Eddina Field announced today.
She said that two stimuli prompted the decision: Yet another budget cut by the state legislature and a recent study finding that students learn most from professors they are crushing on.
“Firing ugly professors will save us money and help our students actualize knowledge,” Field said, not to mention that the action will “improve the aesthetics of the working environment” for other faculty and staff.
Sometimes employed, almost-tenured Asst. Prof. of Psychology Sigourney Froyt, who does not have a sex-toy icon, said that the college’s latest move will likely force her to “end it all,” adding that a psychologist who doesn’t make people want to have sex is “doomed.”
Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English Will Bardly, who has a three-dildo rating, said he thinks the icons are “silly” and suspects his boyfriend of posting them, but still “isn’t complaining” that his class enrollments have “risen to an impressive level” since the icons were posted.
Asst. Prof. of Sociology Sylvia Wright-Sactivist, who has one sex toy, said the thinks the icons are “racist, sexist, ageist, beautyist, inappropriate, sick and wrong,” but added that she is still “gratified that students find activism sexy and recognize how smoking hot” she is.
Freshman chemistry major Solo Wallflower admitted that he has a crush on one of his professors, though he wouldn’t say which one, and said that, as a result, he never misses the professor’s class. “To be be totally honest, though,” Wallflower said, “I’m not sure that I actually pay any attention to what is being said.”
Advisor Cat L. Driver said she doesn’t pay much attention to DissMyProfs “except for gossip purposes, of course,” but conceded that she keeps an album of professors’ photos in a desk drawer and “hauls it out” when a student can’t decide which section of a particular course best suits his or her schedule.
Lily [last name withheld to protect her privacy], at student who was a victim of sexual assault, said this situation is just another example of the “oppressive, sex-obsessed” culture of the college, and another student, Joey DiMarco, who claims to have been raped by aliens, said he fears that the sex-toy ratings will “empower alien professors to victimize students blinded by their attractiveness.”
“Warped,” said sophomore Privi Ledger. “I mean ‘warped,’ OK? So will everyone just fuck off and leave me alone now please?”
(Ledger recently provoked controversy with a Facebook post in which autocorrect changed to her reference to the college’s “warped” culture to “rape” culture.)
Asst. Prof. of Interior Design Alessandra Bellacosa said she hopes the dismissed faculty in her department will not hold a grudge against her since she cannot help being beautiful.”
T. Allen Culpepper