DYSTOPIA–In the spring semester, Dystopia College will be piloting a new incompetency-based learning program involving selected students and faculty, according to Provost Eddina Field.
Field said she has hand-picked faculty members who have risen to their peak level of ineptitude, and they will be paired with a cohort of the college’s least prepared students, as determined by test scores “and just looking at” the students, in the program, which will “allow students to fail individual skills along the way rather than waiting to fail a whole course, or even a whole semester, all at once.”
Although the program will still employ “courses,” they will be divided into skills subsets that students can fail to master repeatedly before “moving on at their own pace,” so that the program “is really tailored to the individual student.”
Each time a student fails a particular skill set, he or she will be awarded a badger [not a typo, we checked, an actual badger]. A student who collects the maximum number of badgers available for his or her courses will be “gently prompted to exit the academic program” and then will be set up as a badger farmer in a remote area.
“A farm or ranch costs considerably less than an education these days, so both the college and former student will save the money that would have been wasted on hopeless attempts to instill knowledge,” she said, adding that the former student will “probably be much happier anyway,” and the remote location will prevent “too much harm to others.”
Field said claims that the program is a “cop-out” are unfounded, and that “taking care of badgers is more challenging than you might think. They are mean little fuckers.”
T. Allen Culpepper