DYSTOPIA–According to a new enrollment policy recently enacted at Dystopia College, students must be enrolled in spring-semester classes before the spring course schedule has been published.
The new policy, known as Timely Enrollment Policy for Individualized Development (TEPID), stipulates that students planning to take spring courses must be enrolled in a pre-paid, color-coded, 15-hour Progress and Retention Objective Driver (PROD) block–to be determined by the student’s RUTS (Routing Undergraduates Through School) plan by October 31. The spring course schedule will be published November 15.
Junior Stone D. Ongress (a recently declared business major with a focus on pharmaceutical agribusiness), freshman Paul O. Standingwater, and sophomore Privi Ledger were among the students who raised questions about the new policy during an open meeting with President Overly Payeed-Admyn, Provost Eddina Field. and Advising Director Bateman Switchem. The students said that they don’t understand how they will choose their classes before seeing the schedule.
Field assured them, however, that with the RUTS program now firmly in place, they will not have any choices to make. They will be placed in the particular combination of courses that will move them most efficiently toward graduation in the particular RUT they have been forced into. And the software associated with RUTS includes a computer algorithm that will determine their proper work/life balance, place them in an appropriate work situation, and send a diet and exercise plan directly to their smartphones.
The color of their PROD will be custom-matched to the color of their RUTS-determined ear tag, thus greatly reducing the possibility of error. Subliminal messages broadcast discreetly to the ear tag will supply the motivation students need to get to class, work, and the fitness center.
Switchem said the new set-up is an “absolutely state-of-the art LMS [Life-Management System]” which will ensure that students will never need to use the critical-thinking skills that the college is allegedly committed to teaching them.
“It’s almost more dystopian than Dystopia itself,” Payeed quipped.
Asked about the faculty reaction to the new policy, administrators said they couldn’t think of any reason anyone would care about that, so faculty members were not invited to the meeting.
T. Allen Culpepper