College to Notify Accepted Students by Automated Email

DYSTOPIA–A new automated email system being piloted by Dystopia College enrolls applicants by default.

The college is emailing the following messaging to applicants selected for admission in spring 2017:

“auto-confirm@dystopia.edu

“This is an automated message. Do not reply.

“Dear Dystopia Applicant:

“Your application has been accepted. If you do not log in to dystopia.edu/confirmaccept and decline the admission offer within the next 4 minutes, you will automatically be enrolled in Dystopia College, assigned to a color-coded major program of study, and charged for a minimum of four years’ worth of tuition, fees, books, room, and board.

“These charges are due upon receipt, payable by credit card or by prior installment arrangement, and once issued cannot be cancelled or refunded for any reason, including, but not limited to, the applicant’s failure to receive this message.

“Reminder: Do not reply to this message; if you do, your reply will disappear unacknowledged into cyberspace.

“If you have questions, please contact Admissions Services at our unlisted, unanswered phone number, or bounce an email message off our blocked email account.

“If you give us shit, we will not hesitate to sue your sorry ass, send our armed collection agents to your house, and assign you the roommate from hell.

“Welcome to Dystopia! This is how we operate; you might as well get used to it.

“Sincerely,

“The Dystopia College Admissions Services Team”

 

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

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