DYSTOPIA—According to a memorandum issued by Dystopia College Director of Assessment Assessment Dr. Numbah Karuncha, in an effort to standardize the doublespeak of the college with the doublespeak of its accreditor, as well as enhance intra-institutional consistency, ABCs will now be known as XYZs, 10’s will become 27’s, and 3 + 3 = 4. Also, things that are in one box, will be moved into another box.
Karuncha said this is an intermediate step en route to the eventual requirement that all statements regarding the educational mission of the college be reducible to binary code. Furthermore, all students will be exposed and exhibited empirically.
To accomplish this end, apples will be called oranges, black will be called white, and education will be eradicated in its own name. This plan for the ruination of higher education will be implemented in nine stages, corresponding to the nine circles of hell in Dante’s Inferno.
Each program within each school will need to internalize the most jargon-laden nonsense to ensure that no one knows what the fuck is happening. As a result of this clarification, all students will be able to communicate nothing, think critically about nothing, and take responsibility for nothing.
Karuncha added that X is Y because blah, blah, blah.
Committees will be assigned to DC, A&E, and IC the XYZs, so that the FMs will appear to be driving the CC. (At press time, the meanings of these acronyms had not been determined.)
T. Allen Culpepper