DYSTOPIA–A Dystopia College adjunct who had been missing for a little more than a week has been found, according to Capt. Cranky Lawless, spokesman for the campus police.
Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English Des Peratphurjhob had been reported missing last week after she failed to show up for the composition classes she was scheduled to teach last Tuesday morning. She had last been seen by students leaving her class the previous evening.
When she Peratphurjhob still had not responded to email, phone calls, or text messages by Wednesday of last week, English and Foreign Languages Chair Donna B. Askance notified campus police, Lawless said. After officers contacted Peratphurjhob’s partner and determined that she had not been home, they began a search for the missing adjunct, but without success.
This morning, however, Peratphurjhob, was found by a member of the college’s custodial staff, on campus in her “office,” a tiny janitorial closet in a dark corner of the Dusty Booker Library basement, buried under an avalanche of freshman essays that had apparently fallen from her desk, knocked her off her chair, and pinned her to the floor. She later said she could not call for help because her cell phone had fallen just out of reach.
Although the essays collectively weighed “several hundred pounds,” according to Lawless, investigators speculate that she was not mortally wounded because they slid onto her avalanche-style rather than striking her as a “dead weight–no pun intended.”
Paramedics transferred Peratphurjob to Dystopia General Hospital, where she was treated for non-life-threatening injuries and released, according to a hospital spokesperson, who said that the adjunct is expected to make a full recovery after “a couple of years of intense psychotherapy.” Dr. Loba Ptomei, Dystopia College’s director of mental health services, confirmed that Peratphurjhob has been referred to her for “evaluation.”
A not-entirely-coherent Peraphurjhob said only that the incident had left her shaken, but not stirred.
T. Allen Culpepper