College Accidentally Fails to Open

DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College’s failure to open yesterday was “just an accidental oversight” that was not discovered until this afternoon, President Overly Payeed-Admyn has acknowledged.

The accidental closure resulted from faculty and staff all taking a “personal day” on the same day, a coincidence Payeed attributed to “it being that time of the semester when everybody’s burnt out and just doesn’t give a fuck.”

He apologized for the inconvenience in an email message sent to all Dystopia students, but a survey of randomly chosen students said they were unaware of both the college’s failure to open and the president’s email.

Junior English major Beyonda Real  said she doesn’t actually attend classes “unless it’s like a special occasion or something.” Business major Stone D. Ongress, also a junior, said he only recently became aware that classes “you know, like meet and stuff.”

Sophomore Ian Somuchneed said email is “totally old school” and that he hasn’t checked his account since “2014 maybe.” He said he doesn’t have time to attend classes or read email because he’s so busy keeping his porn blog updated and masturbating while trying to hook up with random strangers online. “It’s like having a 24/7 job,” he said.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper

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