DYSTOPIA–All Dystopia College faculty and staff members will be herded into Whit A. Hellhole Auditorium for ear-tagging and “reorientation” as part of the college’s annual Distressment Development Day, according to Director of Distressment Thomas D. Torquemada.
After tagging, personalized agendas will be implanted, Torquemada said, and participants should dress so that their identification tattoos are clearly visible and bring their own Kool-Aid glasses.
“Classes will be canceled for this special day, which will provide an opportunity to receive indoctrination implants, to have an ‘interest’ imposed on you, to endure forced interaction with the colleagues who have been thorns in your flesh, and to initiate initiatives necessary for the continuation of recently initiated initiatives for initiation,” Torquemada explained.
During the mandatory midday break, participants will be allowed to eat cake.
In the afternoon sessions, participants will be overloadied with distressing information until they reach their breaking point and dissolve into tears.
Although treatment for anxiety-induced mental illness is covered by the college’s new insurance benefits, participants are reminded of the $1,000 deductible to avoid the “overinsurance” that the $300,000-per-year insurance representative advised against.
T. Allen Culpepper