Dystopia College Students Protest the Unfairness of “It”

DYSTOPIA–A rowdy crowd of Dystopia College students assembled on the college’s Hades Quadrangle Tuesday night for a protest rally to Fight Unfairness Now (FUN), but no serious injuries, and only minor vandalism, were reported.

Sophomore Privi Ledger, one of the organizers of the event, said she had noticed on Facebook that there had been protests at lots of other colleges lately, and she didn’t want Dystopia to be left out, “plus, I just like organizing stuff, and everybody knows it’s unfair.” Asked if she was referring to the recent  electoral-college decision regarding the presidential election, she responded with questions of her own: “Oh, was there an election or something?  I’ve been to busy with academic stuff to pay much attention.  And I’ve never heard of Electoral College. What state is that in?”

So what exactly is it that the students are protesting the unfairness of? “Oh, you know, it, just like everything and stuff.”

Senior English major Rich Kidd, who participated in the protest, said the theme of the protest was beside the point as far as he is concerned.  “The thing is,” Kidd said, that it’s a long stretch between what we used to call fall break and what we’re not supposed to call Thanksgiving anymore for some reason that I forgot, and students really need some kind of diversion for stress relief.”

“For me, personally,” Kidd said, it’s a chance to hang with my friends, drink, a little whisky, rouse a little rabble–that sort of thing.  It’s a brilliant opportunity to avoid working on my senior thesis, basically, and FUN is the perfect cause.”

Kidd said he was aware of the election, and he even voted, but he voted a straight Green Party ticket. His friends junior Beyonda Real and sophomore Marc Bywords said they supported the Democratic candidate but did not have time to cast ballots.

Sophomore Dismal D. Meenor, in contrast, said that for her, the protest was “serious business.”  She said is “very politically aware” and always looking for opportunities to achieve martyrdom. She said she was “a little disappointed” that there were few counter-protestors and very little violence.

Freshman Paul O. Standingwater said that for Native American students, “‘It” really does refer to everything,” and he feels an ancestral obligation to protest “whatever I can, whenever I can.”

Chemistry students Arson Boomer and Cy-Anne Idol said they were at the rally “to cruise for opportunities,” but that the “ideal circumstances did not present themselves on this particular occasion.”  They both declined to be more specific.

Freshman Ian Somuchneed said he was “just trying to get laid, as usual.”

Campus police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless said that, fortunately for the college, its students are seldom passionate enough to do serious harm. “There were the usually drunken shenanigans, a couple of fights, vandalism of a statue, but nothing that can’t be cleaned up.”  He said no charges were filed, and no serious injuries were reported.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper





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